The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most
by Miss Chips
Summary: A mental, angsty Sandry? A Sandry who is mad at everyone and everything in the world? Oh, yes. (an attempt to clear away writer's block)


_Disclaimer: Yes, it's all mine. MWHAHAHA! Er, just kidding. Not Tammy, and don't own Dashboard Confessional, who wrote this awesomely cool song. Well, that's it. Don't sue me, or I will be forced to come after you with my cheese grater._ _Author notes: So, this came to me at about 1:30 in the morning last night. It's really just a strange little diddy that came to my mind while I was listening to music and suffering from insomnia. I really don't think Sandry's like this, but hey, ya never know! Also, I usually despise song fics, but here I am writing them. Oh well. Now I don't despise them. Also, the Circle has reunited after Tris' CO book. It's not my best writing, but it's supposed to cure this awful, awful writers block that I have, that is affecting Crossing a Blurred Line. So, here it is._ The Places You Have Come To Fear The Most 

  
Looking across the vast expanse of the ocean, Sandry watched the sun set on the horizon. The waves lapped softly on the shoreline, leaving white foam behind. Sitting tall in her saddle of her horse, she glanced down at the sandy ground before dismounting her horse and landing. Tying up the ends of her skirt, she let the breeze run through her face, into her eyes. She didn't care, couldn't care less for once. No one would be here. No one. And if anyone did, Sandry didn't care. It didn't matter; for once in her life, she couldn't care about anyone seeing her crying. 

A tear cascaded down her cheek, flowing carelessly down her pale cheek. Sandry didn't even bother to wipe it away. She just simply concentrated on the ends of her skirt. Once they were tied to her satisfaction, she walked towards the water, pulling her hair out of her tight array of braids while doing so. She felt the wind run through them, undoing them naturally. She knew that she must have looked a mess; undone hair, strange, billowy skirt, and bare feet. Where had she lost her shoes? Somewhere on the trip to the sandy beach. Maybe, she didn't even come with them on. Shrugging, Sandry walked out onto the water, letting her dress get wet. 

She didn't care. Nothing seemed to matter. Nothing _did_ matter. 

**_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself,_**   
**_And covered with a perfect shell,_**   
**_Such a charming beautiful exterior._**

But she could never let that show during the day. No, Sandrilene fa Toren lived a regular, happy-go-lucky life. She lived in a castle, had servants weighing on her every whim and detail, was educated and trained in magic. Always smiling, always happy. Add a dash of naive and giddy, perhaps? Yes, that was her. No one seemed to care to bother beyond the exterior, the heavily guarded exterior. 

But that wasn't how it was. During the day maybe. Sandry shook her head before running her hand through her hair. She usually wasn't one to look at the glass as half-empty. Most of the time, she didn't bother with the details, didn't bother being pessimistic. There was no use in it. No, instead, you might as well just get on with life. Live it cheerfully. It made people around happier. Smile, nod your head, blink softly. People suddenly felt special. And most of the time, Sandry got so caught up in her happiness, that she forgot it was all part of what she was supposed to pretend. It now had partly become what she was, her personality. 

It was the nights that reminded her. When the sun feel behind the hills, when the last shades were gone from the lining of every cloud, the desperation came to haunt her, to choke her. Like a thief in the night, it came and stole her very conscious, making her vicious. Vicious against life, vicious against mankind. Vicious against herself. The stars that would twinkle outside her room gave her very little comfort. The darkness would press in on her, making her gag. Most of the time, she would retreat to her bed, burying herself in the blankets. Then, she could wake up the next day, happy and smiling again. 

**_Laced with brilliant smiles and shiny eyes and perfect postures,_**   
**_But you're barely scraping by,_**   
**_But you're barely scraping by._**

But here she was again, on the approach of a new night. Far away from the safety and comfort of her bed. Far away from Discipline. Far away from Daja, Tris, or Briar, who were all at Discipline, blissfully unaware of what she was doing here, why she was here. Sandry sighed, looking out into the water. The tops of the waves were bathed with the colors of the setting sun, dancing and twinkling lightly. 

It was the day. The very day, five years ago. She never really wanted to remember it, but it just resided in the back of her brain, residing there, rotting there. There to pull out when it wasn't needed, when it wasn't wanted. But, nevertheless, Sandry had remembered it. And so, tortured in inner turmoil, she had left the comfort of Discipline, saying that she needed some fresh air. Briar had offered to come with her, but Sandry knew that she couldn't let him come. She need this time to be herself. To think, to not smile. To let the air run through her hair and to let herself cry without worrying that it would disturb someone. 

**_Well, this is one time, this is the one time,_**   
**_that you can't fake it hard enough,_**   
**_to please everyone or anyone at all,_**   
**_or anyone at all._**

However, to the sides of her vision, she could only see the waves lapping against the cliffs, crashing navy blue and black. Blinking, she felt at hot tear fall down her cheek. She rubbed it away fierciously, not wanting to remember. Not wanting to care. That chapter of her life was over, something that she needn't care about anyone. 

She had a new family now. Rosethorn and Lark were the most generous people she had ever known, albeit when Rosethorn threatened to hang them in the wall. Daja, Tris, and Briar were like siblings. They loved each other, despite each others difficulties and trials. The Duke, her uncle, well. . . he was going to give her Emelan for all she knew. He cared. He prized Sandry. 

But, every time she tried to think of this, all that she heard was the screams that echoed throughout the castle. Being the little girl that she was, she had gazed curiously out of her room. Her nursemaid, Pirisi, had left a room, her parent's room, her hand covering her mouth in a silent scream. Suddenly, she started crying, her eyes closed, her chest heaving silently. 

Concerned, Sandry had walked up to her. "Pirisi, what's going on? Are you alright?" She glanced Pirisi up and down. "Do you have a boo-boo?" 

Pirisi continued to cry for a few more seconds before looking down at Sandry, her eyes watery. Wiping a hand over her eyes, she grabbed her hand before tugging her hand. "Come on, little one. We's a gotta get ya outta here." 

Confused, Sandry became reluctant. "Why do we havta go, Pirisi?" Her nursemaid didn't listen, but kept pulling her along. "Why's Mother and Father not coming?" Quickly, with a burst of child-like speed, she tore herself from Pirisi's grasp and ran into her parents room, towards the bedroom, the bed, pulling back the covers. And then she saw the most horrific sight in her entire life. Both of them, dead. Eyes glazed over, no light of consciousness visible. Blank and staring. Mouths agape, as if in silent moans. Bodies mangled, both cold and stiff. . . 

Sandry let out a loud sob before falling to her knees in the water. Digging her fingers into the soft, gushy sand, she felt the tears fall quickly out of her eyes. She let them flow. She didn't care. Let the whole of Emelan see her. She didn't care. 

Glancing off to her side, she saw the water lapse against the rocks, dark and empty. It was nightfall. 

**_And the grave you refuse to leave,_**   
**_the refuge that you've built to flee._**   
**_The places that you have come to come to fear the most._**

Night, coming to take her away, to make her fearful again. To leave her to her maddening solitude. Leaving Sandry with the raw reality that they were gone, taken from her in a second. There was no way to bring them back. She could do nothing in her power. What worth was her life? Both of her parents had to die. That's what she would be some day, a dead corpse. Eyes unblinking, pulse quiet and cold. 

Looking into the water, she saw the water reflect the twinkling stars. And suddenly, she saw her escape. No more of the reluctant grins, the enstranged giggles. Here, the ocean opened up to her, like a freshly dug grave. Her, she could give back what her parents had to sacrifice. What Pirisi had to leave. She could be with them again. 

**_Buried deep as you can dig inside yourself and hidden in the public eye,_**   
**_Such a stellar monument of loneliness._**   
**_Laced with brilliant smiles and shining eyes and perfect makeup,_**   
**_But you're barely scraping by,_**   
**_But you're barely scraping by._**

Sandry started to walk further out into the water, gingerly at first, but then she was was nearly running. The water came to her waist, then to her elbows, then to her shoulders. Soon, her chin was against the water. Taking one last look into the sky, Sandry submerged herself completely. 

She had never been under the ocean water. Letting herself slowly submerge, she looked back up at the surface, which was quickly fading from view. Her hair swirled around her body, and her hands were drifting helplessly at her sides. Looking around, she saw a small yellow fish look at her curiously before scuttering away. 

The air in her lungs started to burn, but not in an unpleasant way. Sort of like putting something warm on a tense muscle, like she had been breathing too long. A lightheadedness started to trickle into her brain. Sandry smiled. Someone had once told her that dying was an unpleasant experience. It actually wasn't so bad. 

**_Well this is one time,_**   
**_This is one time you can't fake it hard enough._**   
**_To please everyone or anyone at all._**   
**_And the grave you refuse to leave,_**   
**_The refuge you built to flee._**

Closing her eyes, Sandry felt her consciousness edge until all she saw was darkness. Suddenly, like an answer to her prayers, a bright light was at the end of her vision, glowing brightly. Not really knowing why she should, Sandry started to walk towards it. The light felt warm, like soft sunshine. It was the most glorious thing she had ever seen. Reaching out, she nearly touched it, before something pulled her back, pulled her from the warmth and light to darkness. The light started to filter away, as if being tugged away through a dark tunnel. 

The next thing she knew, she was cold, wet, and fierciously tired. And her head felt like someone had chopped it to tiny splinters. 

Sputtering and coughing, Sandry sat up, not realizing what was happening or where she was. Blinking, she looked around her surroundings. It was dark outside, like nighttime. In fact, it was nighttime, and she was back on the beach. Her head pounded mercilessly, and Sandry realized that she was solidly alive. The raw pain itself could clarify that. 

"Oh, Good Gods. . ." Came a voice behind her. Whipping her wet head around, she saw a dark face, eyes twinkling. Green eyes. 

". . . Briar?" She whispered hoarsely, unsure if she was seeing right. 

"You're alive!" They exclaimed, relief evident in their words. 

"I am?" Sandry asked, before looking around. She was the sandy shoreline, wet but obviously alive. "How? How did you know? How did you get here?" She turned and glared at him, "_Why_ are you here?" 

"Why am _I_ here?" He asked, before shaking his head. Tiny droplets of water sprayed everywhere, and Sandry became aware that he was wet too. "I should be asking you the same thing. I don't know if you know this, sweetheart, but you've been gone for nearly an hour. I came looking for ya, and lucky I did. I hate to break it to ya, but underwater isn't the best place to find fresh air. Good thing I found you." 

Sandry coughed before looking deeply at him. His eyes were glittering with apprehension and his black hair was plastered against his face. He must of evidently saved her from the watery depths. Sandry smiled crookedly. Leave it to Briar; always the hero. 

Suddenly, her face became somber. Blinking, she spoke softly. "I. . . I nearly died." She coughed again before shaking her head. "The undercurrent must have gotten me." Sandry felt herself lie through her teeth, knowing that she didn't sound too convincing. 

Silence reigned over them for awhile. Sandry looked up at Briar, meeting his eyes. They were measured, glittering in the pale moonlight. There was an element of understanding residing in his eyes. He knew, he understood. He had lost his parents too, what little that he knew them. 

Briar spoke finally, tearing through the sad quiet. "Are you sure there isn't something you wanna talk about, Sandry?" He reached out and pushed away a piece of wet hair from her eyes. He smiled crookedly down at her. 

Sandry stared at him, her heart swelling. She had a new family. It was here. Here in Emelan, in Discipline. Here in the depths of Briar's eyes. She opened her mouth as to say something, but nothing came out. She tried again, but all that came out was a gurgling sound. 

**_The places you have comes to fear the most . . ._**

Briar motioned her quiet by putting a finger over her mouth. He smiled a lop-sided grin. And then Sandry knew. It didn't have to be said. It was understood. Everything that she had wanted to say, to scream to the world, was already known. She had washed it away, and Briar had saved her from drowning in it. She simply had to clense herself of it. Now, it was over. She could live normal. 

A huge smile graced her face, and she threw her arms around Briar's neck. Holding him close, she felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She could breath. Finally. 

She heard Briar chuckle, before wrapping an arm around her. "Alright, alright. Enough of this mushy stuff. We've gotta got you into something warm." Pulling Sandry to her feet, they both stared at each other before bursting out in laughter. 

"Rosethorn's going to kill you!" Sandry gasped, glancing at Briar's ruined attire that was wet and dirty. 

"Going to kill _me_?" Briar asked, a bit of disbelief in his voice. "Wait till Lark catches sight of you! Hah! Are you every going to get it!" 

Sandry glanced down at herself before laughing. Then, taking Briar's hand in her own, she smiled at him warmly. "We'll just have to hang in the well together then, eh?" He smiled at her, and she chuckled. 

Then, with the moon in view, they walked towards Discipline.   


Ta da! WOOHOO! Er, just kidding. Not really Woo worthy. Well, just see it as a venting process. I was feeling melancholy while I wrote this. Crossing a Blurred Line's new chapter SHOULD be out soon. We'll just see.

  
  
  



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